Harry Potter And The Prisoners of Mary Sue
by BackgroundRobot-11
Summary: What would happen if a Mary Sue actually went to Hogwarts? Yeah, turns out they're not as beloved as they think. Oneshot.


Ok, this is a parody of all those Mary Sue fics you see in Harry Potter...and Jeez, there are a lot of them...some of them are quite disturbing, especially the two most infamous...you know the ones, the one with the "totly satanic goff chik who haytez al teh prepz" and the creepy fest with all those hippie druids and jerkass Sue "protagonist". So, yeah, I own nothing, Harry Potter and all related characters are owned by J.K. Rowling, the movies are done by Warner Brothers and, again, I own nothing. So, I hope you enjoy, please don't forget to leave a review and finally...thanks for reading!

* * *

Ron and Hermione sat down at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. A few seats down, they noted that Neville and Seamus' eyes were darting back and forth, as if they were afraid someone would show up.

"So...is she awake yet?" Ron asked nervously.

Hermione looked around cautiously "I don't think so, otherwise she'd-"

"Gah!"

"Eep!"

Hermione was suddenly interrupted as a bright flash of light filled the Great Hall, and an impossibly beautiful teenage girl stood there. And now for some reason, I will detail just what she was wearing in needlessly excessive detail, ahem, a black shirt with the words _I H8 PREPS, _a necklace with a large, red, expensive looking jewel beset in it, some awesome jeans, grey and white striped socks and black shoes.

T'was awesome looking, and several lesser people had to shield their eyes, such was the power of the AWESOME.

Ron sighed, only to get a slap to the back of his head for it.

"What did you say to me whelp?" The girl asked.

"N-nothing Mary!" Ron whimpered as she menacingly brought her wand out.

"Damn straight nothing!" Mary snapped.

"Why are you wearing that? You know we're only supposed to wear our school robes unless we're on a trip to Hogsmede..." Hermione pointed out.

Mary glared at her "Are you questioning my clothes bitch? No one questions my clothes! DIE!"

With that, Mary blasted Hermione with a curse, sending her flying across the Great Hall, where she landed in a groaning heap.

Ron looked horrified "W-wha-?"

"And let that be a lesson to you!" Mary snarled "Now praise me for my awesome skills!"

"Oh, uh...you're awesome for totally blasting the shit out of someone who was supposed to be your best friend?" Seamus offered meekly.

"Not good enough! DIE!" Mary cried as she proceeded to do the same to Seamus.

"Seamus, no!" Dean cried out in horror.

An extremely angry and smouldering Hermione sat back down in her seat, before glaring at Mary.

"Oh, what? Are you still on the whole "blasting you for questioning me" thing? Jesus, get over it you try hard, narcissistic little bitch! Now, praise meeeee!" Mary exclaimed.

Ron's jaw dropped "You are unbelievable...Oh fu-!"

He was abruptly silenced as Mary leapt over the table to get to him, brought out a large, serrated knife and started carving "I WILL NOT MOUTH OFF TO MARY" into Ron's head as he screamed in agony.

All around, everyone was watching the scene in horrified silence. Even the Slytherins were horrified...except for Crabbe, who was too high to notice.

Finally, Mary stopped her horrific act and sat back down on the table, where she drank a bowl of cereal...using Ron's blood as milk.

Groaning in agony, Ron weakly pulled himself back up as Hermione stared in shock.

"Why aren't the teachers stopping this?" Ginny whispered to Neville.

Mary of course, with her super special magic hearing, overheard her "Because I'm so freakin' awesome!"

"Uh...what?" A confused Ginny asked.

"Well, ya see, I'm just so damn awesome that they agree to look the other way whenever I step punish you creeps for not praising the glory that is me! Not, stop being egotistical little pricks and worship me! Your God demands it! Me! I am your God!"

"...Am I the only one who's starting to sympathise with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?" Susan Bones asked Justin Finch-Fletchley nervously.

Mary looked down at her watch...which was working inside of Hogwarts because...she willed it, I guess "Well, time to go do some more awesome stuff and have people praise me! Later bitches!" She called out as she walked off.

Ron and the others stared as she walked off "...Why the fuck do we hang out with her?"

* * *

And, end of the story. Yeah, maybe not the funnies thing, and probably not the only story to do something like this, but I hope that you enjoyed it anyway. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I hope that you enjoyed it, please don't forget to review, and finally...thanks for reading!


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